Here are 5 healthy expectations within marriage, according to a relationship therapist:

1. You will both change and grow, constantly.

Couples who are happy together in older age have learned to accept and even find joy in their partner’s growth and change, even if this change is initially in areas that make them uncomfortable, like new interests, new priorities, or new values.

2. Decisions are made together, taking both people’s needs and desires into account, in a spirit of balance and empathy. 

Aging and changing are normal and healthy. This in no way means that this age and change should lead to one partner completely denying or invalidating the other’s needs.

It is healthy to expect that partners will not make unilateral decisions in major areas, such as deciding to quit their job or stop having sex, without a discussion with their partner and acknowledgment that they do not exist in a vacuum. In healthy marriages, major decisions need to be made after efforts to deeply understand and empathize with your partner.

3. Your partner should not treat you with disrespect or try to hurt you.

If you struggle with low self-esteem and observed conflict growing up, it is very hard to advocate for yourself when you are mistreated. It is also hard for other people to stop lashing out in anger if they experienced unchecked anger in their home growing up. Therapy can help you truly understand that this dynamic is not okay and that you need to expect more of your intimate relationship, your partner, and yourself.

4. Your children will be the priority, but not the entire focus of your marriage.

It is healthy to expect that, after the newborn stage at least, parents will go out together on date nights at least once a month, and that this will increase as kids get older and more independent. It is also healthy to expect that your sexual intimacy will occur whether or not the kids are at home. And it is certainly healthy to spend time talking to your spouse and not let the children constantly interrupt and become the immediate focus. This sort of hyperfocus ruins your marriage and also makes your kids self-absorbed and rude.

5. You can’t be the sole focus of each other’s lives, but need to spend some time together just the two of you.

In the honeymoon stage, it feels like you and your partner are alone in a private bubble, and this is totally normal. However, over time, most couples understand that they need to also focus on other aspects of a well-rounded life, including friendships, parenting, careers, hobbies, and so forth.

From — “5 Healthy Expectations of a Marriage.” MSN.com (Feb. 8, 2024).