Tag Archives: marriage

Can a Sexless Marriage be a Happy One? — Yes, but it Depends.

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     What has emerged the last few years is the growth of the “sexless marriage.” Can it be successful in light of the common belief that sex is an integral part of marriage? A recent article in the New York Times explores this topic. Here a few interesting quotes ……….

 

  • Cultural attitudes about the role sex plays in a marriage have evolved significantly over time. Where once marital sex was primarily a means for bearing children, in recent decades, the conventional wisdom was that frequent sex was integral to a happy union. During the 1990s, a new wave of sex positivity coincided with the ascendancy of different forms of therapy, including couples counseling. Experts coached couples on how to strengthen their marriages, often relying on the belief that healthy relationships included consistent sex with partners. By the 2010s, appointment sex had become one popular method for maintaining intimacy and, somewhat implicitly, safeguarding against separation.

 

  • In more recent years, however, both relationship experts and couples themselves have been gradually dismantling some of these commonly held views, working to destigmatize the unconventional approaches that some take to stay together.

 

  • In fact, Americans on the whole are having less sex than they used to — across race, gender, region, educational level and work status.

 

  • Many younger women, for instance, shaped in part by the #MeToo movement, are engaging in intentional abstinence. There are trends on TikTok about going “boysober,” taking a break from sex can be empowering for women who previously altered their desires to accommodate men.

 

  • Love, for both, is about much more than fulfilling those momentary desires.

 

  • Becoming parents irrevocably changed their sex lives …. Mothers started to see sex as one more chore, another line item on their list of responsibilities.

 

  • Despite their insistence that sex isn’t essential in their marriages, most of the couples keep track of how often they have sex. They also appear haunted by how far they deviate from perceived norms.

 

  • For couples measuring themselves against the “fictions” of sex, or for those worried that their relationship is on the line whenever they enter the bedroom or don’t meet some monthly number, there may be too much pressure for sex to be enjoyable. It’s more important that couples establish what kind of sex is worth having.

                                “Sexless Marriage.” New York Times (April 17, 2024).

HEALTHY EXPECTATIONS WITHIN MARRIAGE.

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Here are 5 healthy expectations within marriage, according to a relationship therapist:

  1. You will both change and grow, constantly.

Couples who are happy together in older age have learned to accept and even find joy in their partner’s growth and change, even if this change is initially in areas that make them uncomfortable, like new interests, new priorities, or new values.

  1. Decisions are made together, taking both people’s needs and desires into account, in a spirit of balance and empathy. 

Aging and changing are normal and healthy. This in no way means that this age and change should lead to one partner completely denying or invalidating the other’s needs.

It is healthy to expect that partners will not make unilateral decisions in major areas, such as deciding to quit their job or stop having sex, without a discussion with their partner and acknowledgment that they do not exist in a vacuum. In healthy marriages, major decisions need to be made after efforts to deeply understand and empathize with your partner.

  1. Your partner should not treat you with disrespect or try to hurt you.

If you struggle with low self-esteem and observed conflict growing up, it is very hard to advocate for yourself when you are mistreated. It is also hard for other people to stop lashing out in anger if they experienced unchecked anger in their home growing up. Therapy can help you truly understand that this dynamic is not okay and that you need to expect more of your intimate relationship, your partner, and yourself.

  1. Your children will be the priority, but not the entire focus of your marriage.

It is healthy to expect that, after the newborn stage at least, parents will go out together on date nights at least once a month, and that this will increase as kids get older and more independent. It is also healthy to expect that your sexual intimacy will occur whether or not the kids are at home. And it is certainly healthy to spend time talking to your spouse and not let the children constantly interrupt and become the immediate focus. This sort of hyperfocus ruins your marriage and also makes your kids self-absorbed and rude.

  1. You can’t be the sole focus of each other’s lives, but need to spend some time together just the two of you.

In the honeymoon stage, it feels like you and your partner are alone in a private bubble, and this is totally normal. However, over time, most couples understand that they need to also focus on other aspects of a well-rounded life, including friendships, parenting, careers, hobbies, and so forth.

From — “5 Healthy Expectations of a Marriage.” MSN.com (Feb. 8, 2024).