Monthly Archives: May 2024

HOW TO KEEP ROMANCE GROWING OVER THE YEARS? TRY NEW EXPERIENCES!

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How to keep romance and love alive as couples grow over the years? A good article recently appeared. Its suggestion is to try new things. Here are a few excerpts …..

 

  • Is there a secret to contented monogamy? We need to make sure that our relationships are still encouraging us to learn, grow and become better versions of ourselves. Essentially, our strongest bonds broaden our sense of what is possible—a phenomenon psychologists call “self-expansion.”

 

  • We may blame our romantic lethargy on our partner’s flaws, but the real problem is usually that we miss that exhilarating sense of novelty. We’re not just tired of our partners, we’re tired of ourselves in the partnership, particularly when so much of our time is spent haggling over chores and other obligations.

 

  • Self-expansion isn’t simply a luxury of youthful courtship but an essential feature of any satisfying long-term relationship.

 

  • It isn’t enough to simply make time for each other. We need to think about how we are spending this time. Drinks and dinner are perfect activities when you are getting to know someone, but they may not properly nourish a more established relationship …. Couples are more likely to discover something new if they experience something unfamiliar together.

 

  • Relationships that offer opportunities for personal growth can also improve our health by buffering the effects of stress …. Couples who saw their partners as sources of insight, excitement and new experiences had more desire for sex with each other. Simply sharing new experiences and activities increased physical desire in long-term partnerships.

 

  • We are better off when we embrace the idea that romantic love is a dynamic process that evolves as we grow …. To keep things fresh, why not try something different?

“How Couples Keep Romance Going.” Wall Street Journal (May 12, 2024).

LONELINESS & STRATEGIES TO AOID IT — NEW FRIENDS.

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     It is well known that chronic loneliness has become a public health crisis in the United States. A recent article in the New York Times offers some strategies to combat this. One suggestion for individuals is to make new friends — especially ones with similar interests. Another one, my opinion, to develop an even closer relationship if you’re a couple. Here are a few excerpts from this recent article ……….

 

 

  • Everyone feels lonely from time to time — after, say, a move to a new school or city, when a child leaves for college, or following the loss of a spouse.
  • Some people, though, experience loneliness not just transiently but chronically. It becomes a personality trait, something that’s pretty sticky.
  • Research is mounting that entrenched loneliness is bad for our health …. chronic loneliness affects the brain, and some strategies to address it.
  • Small, transient episodes of loneliness really motivate people to then seek out social connection.  But in chronic episodes of loneliness, that seems to kind of backfire because people become especially attuned to social threats, which can then make it scary or unpleasant for them to interact with others.
  • For years, scientists have known about a connection between loneliness and Alzheimer’s disease and other types of dementia.
  • The more general way in which loneliness affects mental and physical health may also factor into cognitive decline. The feeling is closely linked to depression, another condition that increases the risk for dementia. And people who are lonely are less likely to be physically active and more likely to smoke cigarettes.
  • One of the most common recommendations is a little obvious: Try to make new friends (and it’s easiest with persons of shared identities). Whether that’s through art classes, sports teams, support groups or volunteer opportunities, the goal is to put yourself in places where people come together.
  • The strategies may sound simple, but they’re easier said than done. Otherwise, I don’t think we would have the report from the Surgeon General saying we need to figure this out.           

            “Loneliness Shapes Our Behaviors.” New York Times (May 10, 2024).

Can a Sexless Marriage be a Happy One? — Yes, but it Depends.

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     What has emerged the last few years is the growth of the “sexless marriage.” Can it be successful in light of the common belief that sex is an integral part of marriage? A recent article in the New York Times explores this topic. Here a few interesting quotes ……….

 

  • Cultural attitudes about the role sex plays in a marriage have evolved significantly over time. Where once marital sex was primarily a means for bearing children, in recent decades, the conventional wisdom was that frequent sex was integral to a happy union. During the 1990s, a new wave of sex positivity coincided with the ascendancy of different forms of therapy, including couples counseling. Experts coached couples on how to strengthen their marriages, often relying on the belief that healthy relationships included consistent sex with partners. By the 2010s, appointment sex had become one popular method for maintaining intimacy and, somewhat implicitly, safeguarding against separation.

 

  • In more recent years, however, both relationship experts and couples themselves have been gradually dismantling some of these commonly held views, working to destigmatize the unconventional approaches that some take to stay together.

 

  • In fact, Americans on the whole are having less sex than they used to — across race, gender, region, educational level and work status.

 

  • Many younger women, for instance, shaped in part by the #MeToo movement, are engaging in intentional abstinence. There are trends on TikTok about going “boysober,” taking a break from sex can be empowering for women who previously altered their desires to accommodate men.

 

  • Love, for both, is about much more than fulfilling those momentary desires.

 

  • Becoming parents irrevocably changed their sex lives …. Mothers started to see sex as one more chore, another line item on their list of responsibilities.

 

  • Despite their insistence that sex isn’t essential in their marriages, most of the couples keep track of how often they have sex. They also appear haunted by how far they deviate from perceived norms.

 

  • For couples measuring themselves against the “fictions” of sex, or for those worried that their relationship is on the line whenever they enter the bedroom or don’t meet some monthly number, there may be too much pressure for sex to be enjoyable. It’s more important that couples establish what kind of sex is worth having.

                                “Sexless Marriage.” New York Times (April 17, 2024).