Tag Archives: relationships

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY — Sandy Malawer, LPC, LMFT — Family Therapy Center of McLean (Since 1986).

Posted on by


703.893.9063. 703.346.7065 (cell).  SandyMalawer@msn.com
https://www.virginiacounselling.com/
 
THE FAMILY THERAPY CENTER specializes in all aspects of individual,  couples and marriage counseling. In particular, we focus on fostering better communications, cross-cultural counseling, and on a “relationship-focused therapy.” We view counseling as a way to assist clients in defining their critical concerns, identifying their strengths, and achieving their goals. Solutions are developed by formulating specific actions — coaching you to achieve your true potential. Counseling is a positive action that empowers people. Allowing clients to gain control of their lives.
 
We specialize in all aspects of individual, marriage and family counseling including military and intelligence families, premarital, couples and individual counseling that often involves cross-cultural issues and developing better communication skills. Counseling is in a comfortable and confidential setting. Often individual counseling can lead to couples and family counseling.      
 
The Family Therapy Center was established in 1986 in McLean, Virginia, as the Professional Counseling Center of McLean. The Center is located in central Mclean, Virginia, at 1313 Vincent Place, McLean, Virginia 22101. PHONE COUNSELING and ONLINE (Zoom) available. 703.893.9063. 703.346.7065 (cell).  SandyMalawer@Counseling-Connection.net
 
S                                          1313 Vincent Place, McLean, Virginia                                                            .

Emotional Affairs — Not a Great Idea. But Can Tell You a Lot About Your Marriage.

Posted on by

     A good piece appeared today discussing emotional affairs and how prevalent they are in our online age. The bottom line — It’s not necessarily sexual but it’s infidelity. An emotional connection outside your marriage tells you a lot about your marriage.

 

“Are you texting and emailing with a friend, or is it a kind of an affair? It can be a slippery slope. You likely have close confidants. But when you find yourself sharing more with someone than you do with your partner, developing romantic feelings for that person, and keeping this intimacy a secret, you may be having an emotional affair. Anyone could be susceptible to an emotional affair, especially in our online age. Social media has both expanded our opportunities for connection and made it easier to hide them from others. An emotional affair doesn’t necessarily mean sexual attraction. A friendship can slide into emotional infidelity when you keep it a secret from your spouse and prioritize the relationship over your marriage. An emotional connection outside of your marriage can tell you about what’s missing in your relationship.”  “Emotional Affairs.” Wall Street Journal (Oct. 23, 2024).

Renewing Intimacy after Infidelity — Yes, It’s Possible!

Posted on by

   
 
     Renewing intimacy after infidelity is possible. It takes hard work but many couples have achieved this — Renewing intimacy (both emotional and physical) and a loving relationship occurs more often than many people think. The following is an excerpt from a very thoughtful article that appeared recently.

 

 

“Infidelity can be a devastating experience for both partners, leaving deep emotional wounds that need to heal. It’s hard work to rebuild trust and intimacy after the betrayal of infidelity, but when both partners are willing to do the work, it’s worth it. It is possible to move forward, find healing, and even rekindle the passion and connection you long for …. When you’re healing from broken trust, it can feel all-consuming. It is helpful to plan some weekly outings where talking about the infidelity and healing was off the table. To start having fun together again. All work and no fun stalls out the healing process.  A lot of work and some fun mixed in is key to working through the past and creating a new present and future together …. Put a regular date night on the calendar and then commit to not discussing “issues” on those dates …. As you grow emotional intimacy outside the bedroom, you begin healing inside the bedroom. There may be tears the first few times of physical intimacy. If that happens, slow things down and hold the hurting partner …. Infidelity can be a devastating experience, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship. With hard work and dedication, it is possible to move forward and find incredible intimacy and connection in your marriage.” “Renewing Intimacy after Infidelity.” (March 2023).

 

Why More Intimacy During the Summer and Some Strategies.

Posted on by

A fun piece appeared recently in the Wall Street Journal discussing why people feel sexier during the summer. It discusses why there is more interest in intimacy and some successful strategies to ensure happiness. Here’s an excerpt:

 

“Ever feel as if sex is everywhere in the summer? We’re wearing skimpier clothes, drinking stronger cocktails, getting some sun and delighting in a seductive breeze on our shoulders. And everywhere we look there seems to be an advertisement featuring beers, beaches and bikinis …. No wonder there’s a spike in interest in sexual activity in the summer, seen in everything from condom sales to online searches related to pornography and dating, research shows …. People reported having sex an average 5.6 times a month, or just more than once a week, according to a soon-to-be-published, nationally representative study of 1,500 Americans ages 18 to 88 from the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. Yet there is a great deal of variation among individuals: About a third of people surveyed said they don’t have sex in a typical month; 30% said they have sex between one and four times; and 29% said they have sex between five and 16 times. The final 8% reported having sex more than 17 times a month …. Doom scrolling isn’t sexy, especially these days. It keeps your nervous system in a constant state of fight or flight …. Find something sensual to watch or listen to instead, such as your favorite turn-me-on music, a podcast about sex or an erotic audiobook. You can do this regularly throughout the day, while you’re taking a walk or making dinner. “You’re priming yourself to feel sexy” …. And, for heaven’s sake, put away your phone when you’re in the bedroom. Give your partner your full attention …. When you feel good, you’re more likely to get in the mood. Dress up, as you would for a date. Bare a little skin. The feel of a summer breeze on your shoulder can be an erotic trigger …. Research shows that novelty activates the brain’s reward system, flooding it with neurochemicals related to pleasure and bonding. And our enthusiasm about the activity often transfers to the person we’re doing it with. Strong emotions can amplify sexual arousal …. It makes you feel good. And it helps our bodies produce vitamin D, which might help sexual relations. Low vitamin D may cause lower testosterone levels in men and lower sexual desire and satisfaction in women.” “Summer Lovin Feeling.” Wall Street Journal (July 30, 2024)

Couples Therapy — Choosing a Therapist.

Posted on by

A good piece appeared recently on how to choose a therapist for couples seeking assistance concerning a broad range of issues such as intimacy, infidelity, divorce, family issues and general relationship concerns. Here is an excerpt discussing licensing of therapists, fees and insurance, among other items …………..

 

“Most couples therapy is conducted conjointly—that is, with both partners present in sessions. Seeing or contacting one member of the couple separately is occasionally warranted but almost invariably done to gain information important to the relationship and with the permission of the other. Sometimes an individual seeks couples counseling as a way to prompt a change in a troubled relationship, most commonly because their partner is unwilling to participate in therapy …. Specific variations of couples therapy have been developed to focus on such relationship problems as infidelity and sexual difficulties …. Couples’ therapists are licensed mental health professionals—holding a master’s in counseling, social work, or marriage and family therapy. They are not only well-trained in an array of psychotherapeutic modalities but have specific academic education in relationship science and family systems and supervised clinical training in interpersonal dynamics. Some therapists seek training and certification by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) …. Couples therapy, like individual therapy, can cost between $150 and $400 per one-hour session, usually conducted weekly by a private practitioner …. Unfortunately, couples therapy is not usually covered by insurance because it is rarely deemed medically necessary. There are, however, ways to get quality therapy at affordable rates …. Couples’ therapists, whatever their fee structure, are quick to state that couples therapy is almost always worth the cost. It is, they point out, much cheaper than a divorce.” “Couples Therapy.” Psychology Today (2023).

HOW TO KEEP ROMANCE GROWING OVER THE YEARS? TRY NEW EXPERIENCES!

Posted on by

How to keep romance and love alive as couples grow over the years? A good article recently appeared. Its suggestion is to try new things. Here are a few excerpts …..

 

  • Is there a secret to contented monogamy? We need to make sure that our relationships are still encouraging us to learn, grow and become better versions of ourselves. Essentially, our strongest bonds broaden our sense of what is possible—a phenomenon psychologists call “self-expansion.”

 

  • We may blame our romantic lethargy on our partner’s flaws, but the real problem is usually that we miss that exhilarating sense of novelty. We’re not just tired of our partners, we’re tired of ourselves in the partnership, particularly when so much of our time is spent haggling over chores and other obligations.

 

  • Self-expansion isn’t simply a luxury of youthful courtship but an essential feature of any satisfying long-term relationship.

 

  • It isn’t enough to simply make time for each other. We need to think about how we are spending this time. Drinks and dinner are perfect activities when you are getting to know someone, but they may not properly nourish a more established relationship …. Couples are more likely to discover something new if they experience something unfamiliar together.

 

  • Relationships that offer opportunities for personal growth can also improve our health by buffering the effects of stress …. Couples who saw their partners as sources of insight, excitement and new experiences had more desire for sex with each other. Simply sharing new experiences and activities increased physical desire in long-term partnerships.

 

  • We are better off when we embrace the idea that romantic love is a dynamic process that evolves as we grow …. To keep things fresh, why not try something different?

“How Couples Keep Romance Going.” Wall Street Journal (May 12, 2024).

LONELINESS & STRATEGIES TO AOID IT — NEW FRIENDS.

Posted on by

     It is well known that chronic loneliness has become a public health crisis in the United States. A recent article in the New York Times offers some strategies to combat this. One suggestion for individuals is to make new friends — especially ones with similar interests. Another one, my opinion, to develop an even closer relationship if you’re a couple. Here are a few excerpts from this recent article ……….

 

 

  • Everyone feels lonely from time to time — after, say, a move to a new school or city, when a child leaves for college, or following the loss of a spouse.
  • Some people, though, experience loneliness not just transiently but chronically. It becomes a personality trait, something that’s pretty sticky.
  • Research is mounting that entrenched loneliness is bad for our health …. chronic loneliness affects the brain, and some strategies to address it.
  • Small, transient episodes of loneliness really motivate people to then seek out social connection.  But in chronic episodes of loneliness, that seems to kind of backfire because people become especially attuned to social threats, which can then make it scary or unpleasant for them to interact with others.
  • For years, scientists have known about a connection between loneliness and Alzheimer’s disease and other types of dementia.
  • The more general way in which loneliness affects mental and physical health may also factor into cognitive decline. The feeling is closely linked to depression, another condition that increases the risk for dementia. And people who are lonely are less likely to be physically active and more likely to smoke cigarettes.
  • One of the most common recommendations is a little obvious: Try to make new friends (and it’s easiest with persons of shared identities). Whether that’s through art classes, sports teams, support groups or volunteer opportunities, the goal is to put yourself in places where people come together.
  • The strategies may sound simple, but they’re easier said than done. Otherwise, I don’t think we would have the report from the Surgeon General saying we need to figure this out.           

            “Loneliness Shapes Our Behaviors.” New York Times (May 10, 2024).

Can a Sexless Marriage be a Happy One? — Yes, but it Depends.

Posted on by
     
     What has emerged the last few years is the growth of the “sexless marriage.” Can it be successful in light of the common belief that sex is an integral part of marriage? A recent article in the New York Times explores this topic. Here a few interesting quotes ……….

 

  • Cultural attitudes about the role sex plays in a marriage have evolved significantly over time. Where once marital sex was primarily a means for bearing children, in recent decades, the conventional wisdom was that frequent sex was integral to a happy union. During the 1990s, a new wave of sex positivity coincided with the ascendancy of different forms of therapy, including couples counseling. Experts coached couples on how to strengthen their marriages, often relying on the belief that healthy relationships included consistent sex with partners. By the 2010s, appointment sex had become one popular method for maintaining intimacy and, somewhat implicitly, safeguarding against separation.

 

  • In more recent years, however, both relationship experts and couples themselves have been gradually dismantling some of these commonly held views, working to destigmatize the unconventional approaches that some take to stay together.

 

  • In fact, Americans on the whole are having less sex than they used to — across race, gender, region, educational level and work status.

 

  • Many younger women, for instance, shaped in part by the #MeToo movement, are engaging in intentional abstinence. There are trends on TikTok about going “boysober,” taking a break from sex can be empowering for women who previously altered their desires to accommodate men.

 

  • Love, for both, is about much more than fulfilling those momentary desires.

 

  • Becoming parents irrevocably changed their sex lives …. Mothers started to see sex as one more chore, another line item on their list of responsibilities.

 

  • Despite their insistence that sex isn’t essential in their marriages, most of the couples keep track of how often they have sex. They also appear haunted by how far they deviate from perceived norms.

 

  • For couples measuring themselves against the “fictions” of sex, or for those worried that their relationship is on the line whenever they enter the bedroom or don’t meet some monthly number, there may be too much pressure for sex to be enjoyable. It’s more important that couples establish what kind of sex is worth having.

                                “Sexless Marriage.” New York Times (April 17, 2024).

After 50 & Dating Online — It Really Works.

Posted on by

     

 

     Dating online for ‘older men and women’ has increased significantly. Initially, it’s a bit confusing. But it does open up new worlds and often lead to greater individual awareness and happiness. The following are a few quotes from a recent article that interviewed many participants. It’s a generally very upbeat assessment.

 

  • As tough as the process can be, older women have it worse than most. They report more negative online-dating experiences compared with men of all ages and younger women.  

 

  • There’s also less pressure to marry the second time around. Only 15 percent of previously married women say they want to do it again …. Men, by contrast, have narrower social circles and emotional friendships than women do. Without a partner, they can feel more adrift and remarry quickly.

 

  • The assumption that you will merge households declines. If parents or your community pushed you to marry a certain type of person in your 20s — because of religion, socioeconomic status, profession, race, sexuality, gender — that pressure may have dissipated or vanished.

 

  • When I first started dating online, it felt as if a fire hydrant had opened — men appearing across my feed from different geographic areas, of different ages, races, professions. Since then, I have gone on dates and been in relationships with men who are smart, kind, funny and irreverent and who have lived in Maine, Boston, New York City, Ohio — which means I never would have met them without the apps.

 

  • Always, in some way, the conversation comes around to sex. Some describe their sex experiences after marriage as the most expansive of their lives. After one woman divorced, she set her online age parameters for men down to their 20s and 30s with the intention of having flings. She made sure they lived in a different neighborhood, so she could separate her hookups from the rest of her life.

 

  • In one Match survey, single people over 60 reported having more frequent orgasms than younger single people. And they are the least likely age group to fake orgasms. They also tend to be communicative: 57 percent said they feel comfortable asking their partner for exactly what they want in sex. That ease and honesty may be related to the fact that people grow more confident and happy in their 60s, according to multiple studies.

 

  • Until she finds the right matches, she continues to unabashedly audition men who connect with her on dating apps. At her age, she, like many women I spoke to, has a better sense of who she is and what she desires, and sees no point in hiding it. “If I bat my eyes, I could get further. But for what?” There’s no sense in wasting time when life is growing too short.

“Couples Dating Online After 50.” New York Times (April 15, 2024).

ADHD AND PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS — PRIMER FOR PARTNERS.

Posted on by

This is a summary of an article that recently appeared on MSN (March 21, 2024). It’s really clear and concise about dealing with ADHD in a personal relationship.

You have a partner with ADHD and are excited to make plans. You enjoy spending time together and talking for hours. But, sometimes, things irk you in your relationship. You know your partner wants to see you, but you don’t understand why your partner is always running late.

Your partner cares, but you don’t understand why they forget your birthday. You know your partner wants to discuss things that bother you, but you don’t understand why you have so many communication problems with your ADHD partner.

Usually, partners with ADHD are described as friendly, very busy doing many things at one time, and sometimes appear moody. They may also communicate in ways that cause problems in their relationships without being aware they are doing so.

Four Characteristic:

  1. Hyper-focusing on their partner at the beginning of the relationship.

Partners with ADHD may hyper focus on their partners. At the beginning of your relationship, hyper-focusing keeps partners engaged and motivated to see each other. You might like your partner’s attention and the ability to make you feel special.

As the relationship progresses, since the partner with ADHD has difficulty regulating their attention and is drawn to novel and new experiences, their attention on the relationship might wane.

  1. High sensitivity to criticism.

Partners with ADHD are very sensitive to criticism for forgetting things, losing their keys, being late for appointments, and not picking up items at the store. They may blame their partner for many of the issues in the relationships, such as losing a job due to issues of procrastination, not following through or meeting deadlines, not carrying their weight in the relationship, or the relationship not being fair and balanced.

The partner with ADHD frequently holds a lot of shame around their mistakes and challenges in their life and relationship. This problem also leaves them feeling and viewing themselves as defective, less than, or not good enough.

  1. Forgetfulness, interruptions, and jumping topic-to-topic during conversations.

When partners with ADHD can’t remember what they were going to say, impulsively interrupt, jump from topic to topic, the other partner can feel frustrated and irritated by these behaviors.

A partner with ADHD may have a tendency to interrupt, impulsively answer, and not wait for their turn to respond. They may have difficulty following the thread of the conversation, especially in a crowded room or with distractions, such as cell phones.

  1. Distraction.

If you are trying to talk and a partner with ADHD keeps looking away or has difficulty following the conversation, sometimes the other partner will feel rejected, abandoned, or unloved by these behaviors.

Conclusion — ADHD does not have to negatively impact your relationship, but you will need to understand the challenges and issues to be able to address them. All couples have communication problems, but when you have a partner with ADHD, you need to learn more effective methods of solving your communication problems.

“Common Problems Dealing with ADHD in Relationships.” MSN (Online) (3.21.24)