After 50 & Dating Online — It Really Works.

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     Dating online for ‘older men and women’ has increased significantly. Initially, it’s a bit confusing. But it does open up new worlds and often lead to greater individual awareness and happiness. The following are a few quotes from a recent article that interviewed many participants. It’s a generally very upbeat assessment.

 

  • As tough as the process can be, older women have it worse than most. They report more negative online-dating experiences compared with men of all ages and younger women.  

 

  • There’s also less pressure to marry the second time around. Only 15 percent of previously married women say they want to do it again …. Men, by contrast, have narrower social circles and emotional friendships than women do. Without a partner, they can feel more adrift and remarry quickly.

 

  • The assumption that you will merge households declines. If parents or your community pushed you to marry a certain type of person in your 20s — because of religion, socioeconomic status, profession, race, sexuality, gender — that pressure may have dissipated or vanished.

 

  • When I first started dating online, it felt as if a fire hydrant had opened — men appearing across my feed from different geographic areas, of different ages, races, professions. Since then, I have gone on dates and been in relationships with men who are smart, kind, funny and irreverent and who have lived in Maine, Boston, New York City, Ohio — which means I never would have met them without the apps.

 

  • Always, in some way, the conversation comes around to sex. Some describe their sex experiences after marriage as the most expansive of their lives. After one woman divorced, she set her online age parameters for men down to their 20s and 30s with the intention of having flings. She made sure they lived in a different neighborhood, so she could separate her hookups from the rest of her life.

 

  • In one Match survey, single people over 60 reported having more frequent orgasms than younger single people. And they are the least likely age group to fake orgasms. They also tend to be communicative: 57 percent said they feel comfortable asking their partner for exactly what they want in sex. That ease and honesty may be related to the fact that people grow more confident and happy in their 60s, according to multiple studies.

 

  • Until she finds the right matches, she continues to unabashedly audition men who connect with her on dating apps. At her age, she, like many women I spoke to, has a better sense of who she is and what she desires, and sees no point in hiding it. “If I bat my eyes, I could get further. But for what?” There’s no sense in wasting time when life is growing too short.

“Couples Dating Online After 50.” New York Times (April 15, 2024).

Anxious Parents & University Students — Are Anxious Parents Part of the Problem?

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Mental health issues on camps are exploding. A good piece appeared today in the New York Times. It focuses on the anxiety of parents, as a newer development. The bottom line is that parents need to listen and to be supportive. Do not jump in. Mostly, student anxiety is situational. Students need a responsible adult to show them the way. This is good advice for new students, graduate students, law students and all students — and their parents. Universities, the economy and society are becoming more anxiety producing. Here is some basic advice and a few good quotes …………

 

  • Parents are allowing their anxiety to take over, and it’s not helping anyone, least of all their children …. Anxiety about anxiety has gotten so bad that some parents actually worry if their student isn’t anxious. This puts a lot of pressure on unanxious students — it creates anxiety about anxiety about anxiety.
  • As for your kids, I would like to help you with some age-appropriate remedies. If your child calls during the first weeks of college feeling anxious, consider saying any of the following: You’ll get through this; this is normal; we’ll laugh about this phone call at Thanksgiving. Or, say anything that was helpful to you the last time you started something new. Alternatively, you could say nothing. Just listening really helps.
  • I worry that the current obsession with mental health awareness is disempowering parents from helping their adult children handle ordinary things. People are increasingly fearful that any normal emotion is a sign of something serious.
  • But if you send your adult children to a mental health professional at the first sign of distress, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to strengthen your relationship with them. 
  • This is the beginning of their adult relationship with you. Show them the way.
  • The transition to college is full of excitement and its cousin, anxiety. I enjoy shepherding young people through this rite of passage. Parents should try enjoying it, too.

                “Anxious Parents Need Help.” New York Times (April 11, 2024)

LAW STUDENTS & MENTAL HEALTH — MUCH MORE NEEDS TO BE DONE.

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     Mental health of law students has become a major issue in many law schools today. An earlier article sounded the alarm. I’ve reproduced some excerpts from that article. This is extremely important. Corrective action in law school as well as the profession has already begun. But many students continue to suffer — especially newer women and minorities.  More needs to be done.  I know this first-hand. My husband has been a law professor for many years and my two kids (son and daughter) are now lawyers working in public service with federal agencies. I worked at one time at a university helping students with mental health issue.

 

  • It’s no secret that the legal profession can often be a high-pressure working environment; lawyers are the second most stressed professionals in the country. Some universities are therefore taking steps to help students better cope with academic pressures and the transition from legal education to a career as a lawyer.

  • Despite the profession making loud noises about the importance of improving mental health among students and graduates, the reality is junior lawyers remain overworked 17% of young lawyers are working 48 hours or more, with statutory minimum of 20 days and training contracts are being used to deliver services blighted by gaps in public funding.

  • The workaholic culture appears to start at university. Unlike their cohorts, law students had very little free time to pursue activities unrelated to the profession. Anything legal students did outside of their studies was related to law.

  • In a separate study of millennial lawyers, reported similar struggles to find a work-life balance. Junior lawyers also admitted they felt that university didn’t prepare them enough for the level of stress in the profession, and the study heard stories of trainees not sleeping or crying in the office toilets. 

  • Career pressure starts early for law students – here’s how to cope. Competition at university for academic and professional prowess, as well as a culture of perfectionism, exacerbates this pressure. Students were comparing themselves to others and then feeling deficient, like they were the only ones who didn’t understand something or were the only ones who were struggling.

  • Don’t go it alone. If you are in work and feeling overwhelmed, definitely go and speak to a colleague. Confide in someone and tell them how you are feeling and see if you can get additional support.

  • Remind yourself of all the achievements you have had and make a realistic plan for how you are going to get through it all. Most importantly, many people feel this way. You won’t be the only person who has ever felt like that.

                     “Mental Health and Law Students.” The Guardian (2019).

ADHD AND PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS — PRIMER FOR PARTNERS.

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This is a summary of an article that recently appeared on MSN (March 21, 2024). It’s really clear and concise about dealing with ADHD in a personal relationship.

You have a partner with ADHD and are excited to make plans. You enjoy spending time together and talking for hours. But, sometimes, things irk you in your relationship. You know your partner wants to see you, but you don’t understand why your partner is always running late.

Your partner cares, but you don’t understand why they forget your birthday. You know your partner wants to discuss things that bother you, but you don’t understand why you have so many communication problems with your ADHD partner.

Usually, partners with ADHD are described as friendly, very busy doing many things at one time, and sometimes appear moody. They may also communicate in ways that cause problems in their relationships without being aware they are doing so.

Four Characteristic:

  1. Hyper-focusing on their partner at the beginning of the relationship.

Partners with ADHD may hyper focus on their partners. At the beginning of your relationship, hyper-focusing keeps partners engaged and motivated to see each other. You might like your partner’s attention and the ability to make you feel special.

As the relationship progresses, since the partner with ADHD has difficulty regulating their attention and is drawn to novel and new experiences, their attention on the relationship might wane.

  1. High sensitivity to criticism.

Partners with ADHD are very sensitive to criticism for forgetting things, losing their keys, being late for appointments, and not picking up items at the store. They may blame their partner for many of the issues in the relationships, such as losing a job due to issues of procrastination, not following through or meeting deadlines, not carrying their weight in the relationship, or the relationship not being fair and balanced.

The partner with ADHD frequently holds a lot of shame around their mistakes and challenges in their life and relationship. This problem also leaves them feeling and viewing themselves as defective, less than, or not good enough.

  1. Forgetfulness, interruptions, and jumping topic-to-topic during conversations.

When partners with ADHD can’t remember what they were going to say, impulsively interrupt, jump from topic to topic, the other partner can feel frustrated and irritated by these behaviors.

A partner with ADHD may have a tendency to interrupt, impulsively answer, and not wait for their turn to respond. They may have difficulty following the thread of the conversation, especially in a crowded room or with distractions, such as cell phones.

  1. Distraction.

If you are trying to talk and a partner with ADHD keeps looking away or has difficulty following the conversation, sometimes the other partner will feel rejected, abandoned, or unloved by these behaviors.

Conclusion — ADHD does not have to negatively impact your relationship, but you will need to understand the challenges and issues to be able to address them. All couples have communication problems, but when you have a partner with ADHD, you need to learn more effective methods of solving your communication problems.

“Common Problems Dealing with ADHD in Relationships.” MSN (Online) (3.21.24)

What are the Difference Between Family Therapy, Family Counseling and Couples Counseling?

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     A good article recently appeared discussing the difference between ‘family therapy’ and ‘family counseling.’ Slight differences, it’s an interesting discussion. Here are some excerpts.

  • Family counseling is a discipline of therapy focused on finding solutions for the challenges and complexities that may arise in family life. Also called marriage and family therapy (MFT), clinicians work to improve communication among family members and adjust the dynamics between members of the family that may result in dysfunction. The terms “family counseling” and “family therapy” are often used synonymously, but it is important to note that family counseling, like other forms of counseling, may be defined by some clinicians as shorter in duration and more solutions-focused than family therapy.
  • Family counseling has evolved and developed over the decades and now incorporates practices and methods from several schools of thought.
  • Structural Family Therapy: This method examines the rules and power dynamics of the family. In structural family therapy, the therapist may be more involved than other types of treatment and help to reorganize the structures of the family to improve how people feel in the family and create a more cohesive unit.
  • Cognitive Behavioral :Couples Therapy: Applying the same principles as cognitive behavioral therapy, this modality encourages couples to identify and name the patterns of behavior causing them or their partner distress in the relationship, with the clinician teaching skills to help confront and change these patterns.
  • Couples and Marriage Counseling: This approach focuses on relationship problems. Therapists typically meet with both partners at the same time to identify the challenges they face and disagreements they may have and help the couple find better solutions for how to communicate, find mutually acceptable solutions, and work as a team.
  • A licensed marriage and family therapist (MFT or LMFT) is a mental health practitioner with a master’s or doctoral degree. MFTs typically train under a supervisor for two years, or 3,000 clinical hours, and must pass an exam to receive licensure.
  • When seeking a family counselor, it’s important to choose someone with whom you and your family members trust and feel comfortable talking about what can be difficult topics. Studies have shown that the quality of the relationship between client and therapist is one of the most important factors for a successful outcome.
  • Family therapy has expanded in popularity significantly in recent years. One study found that as many as 70 percent of psychotherapists now offer treatment to couples or families.
  • Whatever the makeup of the family unit, learning and practicing the skills of respectful communication, mutual understanding, and harmonious conflict resolution have made a difference in the lives of many families across the world.

                                       “Family Counseling.” (2023).

HEALTHY EXPECTATIONS WITHIN MARRIAGE.

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Here are 5 healthy expectations within marriage, according to a relationship therapist:

  1. You will both change and grow, constantly.

Couples who are happy together in older age have learned to accept and even find joy in their partner’s growth and change, even if this change is initially in areas that make them uncomfortable, like new interests, new priorities, or new values.

  1. Decisions are made together, taking both people’s needs and desires into account, in a spirit of balance and empathy. 

Aging and changing are normal and healthy. This in no way means that this age and change should lead to one partner completely denying or invalidating the other’s needs.

It is healthy to expect that partners will not make unilateral decisions in major areas, such as deciding to quit their job or stop having sex, without a discussion with their partner and acknowledgment that they do not exist in a vacuum. In healthy marriages, major decisions need to be made after efforts to deeply understand and empathize with your partner.

  1. Your partner should not treat you with disrespect or try to hurt you.

If you struggle with low self-esteem and observed conflict growing up, it is very hard to advocate for yourself when you are mistreated. It is also hard for other people to stop lashing out in anger if they experienced unchecked anger in their home growing up. Therapy can help you truly understand that this dynamic is not okay and that you need to expect more of your intimate relationship, your partner, and yourself.

  1. Your children will be the priority, but not the entire focus of your marriage.

It is healthy to expect that, after the newborn stage at least, parents will go out together on date nights at least once a month, and that this will increase as kids get older and more independent. It is also healthy to expect that your sexual intimacy will occur whether or not the kids are at home. And it is certainly healthy to spend time talking to your spouse and not let the children constantly interrupt and become the immediate focus. This sort of hyperfocus ruins your marriage and also makes your kids self-absorbed and rude.

  1. You can’t be the sole focus of each other’s lives, but need to spend some time together just the two of you.

In the honeymoon stage, it feels like you and your partner are alone in a private bubble, and this is totally normal. However, over time, most couples understand that they need to also focus on other aspects of a well-rounded life, including friendships, parenting, careers, hobbies, and so forth.

From — “5 Healthy Expectations of a Marriage.” MSN.com (Feb. 8, 2024).

ANXIOUS? Anti-Anxiety Drugs Mask Your Fears — Facing Them Also Important.

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     A good article recently appeared discussing anti-anxiety drugs. This is especially important as anxiety among individuals and couples is escalating for numerous reasons. This article discusses the masking effect of these drugs and the great importance of confronting your fears. Here are some excerpts:

  • Many people don’t think twice about unwinding with a prescription benzodiazepine that can instantly bring physical calm, such as Klonopin, Ativan or Xanax. 
  • The problem is that when you start taking a benzo, the brain reduces its natural output of GABA, which means that tapering off the medication can result in even worse symptoms of anxiety, along with extremely unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.
  • When it comes to navigating anxiety, facing your fears rather than running away from them—or drugging them into submission—is essential to reclaiming your freedom. Having uncomfortable emotions and sensations is normal. Taking a sedative is about escaping those sensations and emotions, when what we actually need to learn is to accept them.
  • Another critical issue with these drugs is that people begin to rely on them as a coping strategy at the expense of other, healthier emotion regulation techniques.
 

“The Danger of Relying on Anti-Anxiety Drugs. (January 27, 2024).

COUPLES AND HOLIDAYS — How to Navigate them.

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Here are seven quick tips on how to navigate holidays as a couple. This is from a recent article “How to Navigate Holidays as a Couple.” (2021).

 

  1. “The Holiday Talk” for the Couple

It is essential to take the time and have a conversation, in advance, about what holidays mean for each of you.

  1.   Agree to Disagree about the Holidays as a Couple

If you are stuck in differences about the holidays, recognize that those differences might not be resolved within a couple of days. So be kind to each other’s differences, as it might take each of you a lot of time to change attitudes about the holidays.

  1.   Couple = Family

Think of yourselves together, the couple, as your own family. Remember, team A. If you think of yourselves as a family, it will help you feel empowered.

  1.   Use Each Other As a Shield

Lean on each other for support. After all, a healthy relationship is where our partners help us make changes and support our growth as individuals.

  1.   Self-Care

Self-care during the holidays is equally as vital as giving your energy to your family or each other as a couple. Ultimately, if you are not feeling your best, you cannot be or give your best to those around you.

  1. Limit Substances

The holidays are a time to celebrate, and there are no surprises that alcohol and/or drugs are being used during happy moments, sometimes excessively.

  1. What day is it today?

If all the above fails, it might be helpful to remind each other that people will be people, with all of their expectations, perspectives, and traditions, whether on a holiday or a random day like November 8th.

  1. Relationship Holidays: Navigate Holidays as a Couple!

The holidays can be a fun but sometimes stressful time. By having open couples communication about where each of you stands surrounding emotions, thoughts, and expectations, you are putting yourself in an excellent position to have the holidays be fun and less stressful.

Technology and Social Media Challenges to Married Couples

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Here are excerpts from a recent book, Disconnect to Connect: Couples and Social Media Use. Very interesting ……………

  • You may have clients who complain about their spouse’s excessive use of technology and social media and how it interferes negatively with their marital relationship. Married couples enter counseling for a variety of reasons, and yes, poor communication, which leads to an escalation of conflict, is indeed among the top reasons. You may have helped couples deal with more complicated situations, such as affairs, pornography, or some other types of addictions. Interestingly, many couples have faced high levels of conflict and low levels of marital satisfaction due to the negative impact of their technology and social media use. Therefore, whether you are counseling, mentoring, or discipling married couples, addressing the impact of technology and social media use on marriage needs to be part of your counseling approach.
  • The reality is that a growing number of people use social media. According to the Pew Research Center (2018), “roughly two-thirds of U.S. adults (68%) now report that they are Facebook users, and roughly three-quarters of those users access Facebook on a daily basis.” The same article points out that the younger generation tends to use other social media platforms, “78% of 18- to 24-year-olds use Snapchat, and a sizeable majority of these users (71%) visit the platform multiple times per day. Similarly, 71% of Americans in this age group now use Instagram and close to half (45%) are Twitter users.” Consequently, counselors need to be competent to address the potential issues that may arise due to the pervasive impact of technology and social media on couple’s lives.
  • Technology and social media have revolutionized the way people communicate and conduct business. It has enriched our lives in many ways, but it has also created some new challenges for couples and counselors as well. Different opinions and research findings exist regarding the impact of technology and social media on mental health and how they can affect the quality of marital relationships. When a spouse is more connected to social media than to his or her spouse, the relationship may suffer.
  • Be wise when you post on social media. Ask yourself, “How will this post motivate and encourage people?” or “How will this post reflect on my marriage?” You may even ask yourself, “What if this post is read in court?” or “What if my boss reads this post?”

                                                  Disconnect to Connect (2022)

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Spouses as Best Friends — Best of All !!

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Being married to your best friend can lead to happier marriages and greater life satisfaction. It can also be a burden. So says a recent article. Here are some interesting excerpts:

  • About half of married people and couples living together say their partner is their best friend, with men more likely to say so than women. Forty-eight percent of married women listed their spouse as their BF compared with 64% of men in a 2017 study. 
  • Couples who are best friends say they work on it. They listen, share feelings, thoughts, affection and laughter, and explore new things together. But relying on one person to be your “everything”—partner, cheerleader, lover, counselor and playmate—can be too much, even for spousal superheroes.
  • It’s useful to have a different confidant to listen and give objective advice when you are worried about things at home. Likewise, you can be deeply in love and have a healthy relationship, and still want to go shopping, to a baseball game, or out for a beer with a best friend from work or high school.
  • Millennial couples often feel pressure to have their partner as their best friend, says Liz Higgins, founder of Millennial Life Counseling and herself a millennial married to her best friend. Some in their late 20s and early 30s saw their own parents’ divorce or remain in unhappy marriages. They want to avoid that—and think having a best-friend partner will help. If that’s the goal, she says, they need to focus on what it means to be a best friend and work on that with their partner. 
  • One key is remaining curious and exploring new things together. 
  • “You hit a dead end when you think you know everything there is about your partner.”
  • It is also important to realize that marriage is a journey, and there are times you feel like your partner is your best friend and times you don’t, she says. That doesn’t mean you’re with the wrong person. 
  • John Helliwell, a Canadian economist who researches happiness and co-wrote the 2017 study on marriage and friendship, says being best friends with your spouse increases some of the well-being benefits that come with marriage, such as life satisfaction. 

                  “Spouses and Best Friends.” Wall Street Journal (Sept. 18, 2023)