Tag Archives: love

Emotional Affairs — Not a Great Idea. But Can Tell You a Lot About Your Marriage.

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     A good piece appeared today discussing emotional affairs and how prevalent they are in our online age. The bottom line — It’s not necessarily sexual but it’s infidelity. An emotional connection outside your marriage tells you a lot about your marriage.

 

“Are you texting and emailing with a friend, or is it a kind of an affair? It can be a slippery slope. You likely have close confidants. But when you find yourself sharing more with someone than you do with your partner, developing romantic feelings for that person, and keeping this intimacy a secret, you may be having an emotional affair. Anyone could be susceptible to an emotional affair, especially in our online age. Social media has both expanded our opportunities for connection and made it easier to hide them from others. An emotional affair doesn’t necessarily mean sexual attraction. A friendship can slide into emotional infidelity when you keep it a secret from your spouse and prioritize the relationship over your marriage. An emotional connection outside of your marriage can tell you about what’s missing in your relationship.”  “Emotional Affairs.” Wall Street Journal (Oct. 23, 2024).

Renewing Intimacy after Infidelity — Yes, It’s Possible!

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     Renewing intimacy after infidelity is possible. It takes hard work but many couples have achieved this — Renewing intimacy (both emotional and physical) and a loving relationship occurs more often than many people think. The following is an excerpt from a very thoughtful article that appeared recently.

 

 

“Infidelity can be a devastating experience for both partners, leaving deep emotional wounds that need to heal. It’s hard work to rebuild trust and intimacy after the betrayal of infidelity, but when both partners are willing to do the work, it’s worth it. It is possible to move forward, find healing, and even rekindle the passion and connection you long for …. When you’re healing from broken trust, it can feel all-consuming. It is helpful to plan some weekly outings where talking about the infidelity and healing was off the table. To start having fun together again. All work and no fun stalls out the healing process.  A lot of work and some fun mixed in is key to working through the past and creating a new present and future together …. Put a regular date night on the calendar and then commit to not discussing “issues” on those dates …. As you grow emotional intimacy outside the bedroom, you begin healing inside the bedroom. There may be tears the first few times of physical intimacy. If that happens, slow things down and hold the hurting partner …. Infidelity can be a devastating experience, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship. With hard work and dedication, it is possible to move forward and find incredible intimacy and connection in your marriage.” “Renewing Intimacy after Infidelity.” (March 2023).

 

Couples Therapy — Choosing a Therapist.

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A good piece appeared recently on how to choose a therapist for couples seeking assistance concerning a broad range of issues such as intimacy, infidelity, divorce, family issues and general relationship concerns. Here is an excerpt discussing licensing of therapists, fees and insurance, among other items …………..

 

“Most couples therapy is conducted conjointly—that is, with both partners present in sessions. Seeing or contacting one member of the couple separately is occasionally warranted but almost invariably done to gain information important to the relationship and with the permission of the other. Sometimes an individual seeks couples counseling as a way to prompt a change in a troubled relationship, most commonly because their partner is unwilling to participate in therapy …. Specific variations of couples therapy have been developed to focus on such relationship problems as infidelity and sexual difficulties …. Couples’ therapists are licensed mental health professionals—holding a master’s in counseling, social work, or marriage and family therapy. They are not only well-trained in an array of psychotherapeutic modalities but have specific academic education in relationship science and family systems and supervised clinical training in interpersonal dynamics. Some therapists seek training and certification by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) …. Couples therapy, like individual therapy, can cost between $150 and $400 per one-hour session, usually conducted weekly by a private practitioner …. Unfortunately, couples therapy is not usually covered by insurance because it is rarely deemed medically necessary. There are, however, ways to get quality therapy at affordable rates …. Couples’ therapists, whatever their fee structure, are quick to state that couples therapy is almost always worth the cost. It is, they point out, much cheaper than a divorce.” “Couples Therapy.” Psychology Today (2023).

HOW TO KEEP ROMANCE GROWING OVER THE YEARS? TRY NEW EXPERIENCES!

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How to keep romance and love alive as couples grow over the years? A good article recently appeared. Its suggestion is to try new things. Here are a few excerpts …..

 

  • Is there a secret to contented monogamy? We need to make sure that our relationships are still encouraging us to learn, grow and become better versions of ourselves. Essentially, our strongest bonds broaden our sense of what is possible—a phenomenon psychologists call “self-expansion.”

 

  • We may blame our romantic lethargy on our partner’s flaws, but the real problem is usually that we miss that exhilarating sense of novelty. We’re not just tired of our partners, we’re tired of ourselves in the partnership, particularly when so much of our time is spent haggling over chores and other obligations.

 

  • Self-expansion isn’t simply a luxury of youthful courtship but an essential feature of any satisfying long-term relationship.

 

  • It isn’t enough to simply make time for each other. We need to think about how we are spending this time. Drinks and dinner are perfect activities when you are getting to know someone, but they may not properly nourish a more established relationship …. Couples are more likely to discover something new if they experience something unfamiliar together.

 

  • Relationships that offer opportunities for personal growth can also improve our health by buffering the effects of stress …. Couples who saw their partners as sources of insight, excitement and new experiences had more desire for sex with each other. Simply sharing new experiences and activities increased physical desire in long-term partnerships.

 

  • We are better off when we embrace the idea that romantic love is a dynamic process that evolves as we grow …. To keep things fresh, why not try something different?

“How Couples Keep Romance Going.” Wall Street Journal (May 12, 2024).

Can a Sexless Marriage be a Happy One? — Yes, but it Depends.

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     What has emerged the last few years is the growth of the “sexless marriage.” Can it be successful in light of the common belief that sex is an integral part of marriage? A recent article in the New York Times explores this topic. Here a few interesting quotes ……….

 

  • Cultural attitudes about the role sex plays in a marriage have evolved significantly over time. Where once marital sex was primarily a means for bearing children, in recent decades, the conventional wisdom was that frequent sex was integral to a happy union. During the 1990s, a new wave of sex positivity coincided with the ascendancy of different forms of therapy, including couples counseling. Experts coached couples on how to strengthen their marriages, often relying on the belief that healthy relationships included consistent sex with partners. By the 2010s, appointment sex had become one popular method for maintaining intimacy and, somewhat implicitly, safeguarding against separation.

 

  • In more recent years, however, both relationship experts and couples themselves have been gradually dismantling some of these commonly held views, working to destigmatize the unconventional approaches that some take to stay together.

 

  • In fact, Americans on the whole are having less sex than they used to — across race, gender, region, educational level and work status.

 

  • Many younger women, for instance, shaped in part by the #MeToo movement, are engaging in intentional abstinence. There are trends on TikTok about going “boysober,” taking a break from sex can be empowering for women who previously altered their desires to accommodate men.

 

  • Love, for both, is about much more than fulfilling those momentary desires.

 

  • Becoming parents irrevocably changed their sex lives …. Mothers started to see sex as one more chore, another line item on their list of responsibilities.

 

  • Despite their insistence that sex isn’t essential in their marriages, most of the couples keep track of how often they have sex. They also appear haunted by how far they deviate from perceived norms.

 

  • For couples measuring themselves against the “fictions” of sex, or for those worried that their relationship is on the line whenever they enter the bedroom or don’t meet some monthly number, there may be too much pressure for sex to be enjoyable. It’s more important that couples establish what kind of sex is worth having.

                                “Sexless Marriage.” New York Times (April 17, 2024).

After 50 & Dating Online — It Really Works.

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     Dating online for ‘older men and women’ has increased significantly. Initially, it’s a bit confusing. But it does open up new worlds and often lead to greater individual awareness and happiness. The following are a few quotes from a recent article that interviewed many participants. It’s a generally very upbeat assessment.

 

  • As tough as the process can be, older women have it worse than most. They report more negative online-dating experiences compared with men of all ages and younger women.  

 

  • There’s also less pressure to marry the second time around. Only 15 percent of previously married women say they want to do it again …. Men, by contrast, have narrower social circles and emotional friendships than women do. Without a partner, they can feel more adrift and remarry quickly.

 

  • The assumption that you will merge households declines. If parents or your community pushed you to marry a certain type of person in your 20s — because of religion, socioeconomic status, profession, race, sexuality, gender — that pressure may have dissipated or vanished.

 

  • When I first started dating online, it felt as if a fire hydrant had opened — men appearing across my feed from different geographic areas, of different ages, races, professions. Since then, I have gone on dates and been in relationships with men who are smart, kind, funny and irreverent and who have lived in Maine, Boston, New York City, Ohio — which means I never would have met them without the apps.

 

  • Always, in some way, the conversation comes around to sex. Some describe their sex experiences after marriage as the most expansive of their lives. After one woman divorced, she set her online age parameters for men down to their 20s and 30s with the intention of having flings. She made sure they lived in a different neighborhood, so she could separate her hookups from the rest of her life.

 

  • In one Match survey, single people over 60 reported having more frequent orgasms than younger single people. And they are the least likely age group to fake orgasms. They also tend to be communicative: 57 percent said they feel comfortable asking their partner for exactly what they want in sex. That ease and honesty may be related to the fact that people grow more confident and happy in their 60s, according to multiple studies.

 

  • Until she finds the right matches, she continues to unabashedly audition men who connect with her on dating apps. At her age, she, like many women I spoke to, has a better sense of who she is and what she desires, and sees no point in hiding it. “If I bat my eyes, I could get further. But for what?” There’s no sense in wasting time when life is growing too short.

“Couples Dating Online After 50.” New York Times (April 15, 2024).

HEALTHY EXPECTATIONS WITHIN MARRIAGE.

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Here are 5 healthy expectations within marriage, according to a relationship therapist:

  1. You will both change and grow, constantly.

Couples who are happy together in older age have learned to accept and even find joy in their partner’s growth and change, even if this change is initially in areas that make them uncomfortable, like new interests, new priorities, or new values.

  1. Decisions are made together, taking both people’s needs and desires into account, in a spirit of balance and empathy. 

Aging and changing are normal and healthy. This in no way means that this age and change should lead to one partner completely denying or invalidating the other’s needs.

It is healthy to expect that partners will not make unilateral decisions in major areas, such as deciding to quit their job or stop having sex, without a discussion with their partner and acknowledgment that they do not exist in a vacuum. In healthy marriages, major decisions need to be made after efforts to deeply understand and empathize with your partner.

  1. Your partner should not treat you with disrespect or try to hurt you.

If you struggle with low self-esteem and observed conflict growing up, it is very hard to advocate for yourself when you are mistreated. It is also hard for other people to stop lashing out in anger if they experienced unchecked anger in their home growing up. Therapy can help you truly understand that this dynamic is not okay and that you need to expect more of your intimate relationship, your partner, and yourself.

  1. Your children will be the priority, but not the entire focus of your marriage.

It is healthy to expect that, after the newborn stage at least, parents will go out together on date nights at least once a month, and that this will increase as kids get older and more independent. It is also healthy to expect that your sexual intimacy will occur whether or not the kids are at home. And it is certainly healthy to spend time talking to your spouse and not let the children constantly interrupt and become the immediate focus. This sort of hyperfocus ruins your marriage and also makes your kids self-absorbed and rude.

  1. You can’t be the sole focus of each other’s lives, but need to spend some time together just the two of you.

In the honeymoon stage, it feels like you and your partner are alone in a private bubble, and this is totally normal. However, over time, most couples understand that they need to also focus on other aspects of a well-rounded life, including friendships, parenting, careers, hobbies, and so forth.

From — “5 Healthy Expectations of a Marriage.” MSN.com (Feb. 8, 2024).